Then he flew into a rage. And before I knew it, his parents were standing in my doorway just after the police arrived. He moved out. I didn't press charges, and two weeks later he had promised me the earth and was back home. I wish I would of stopped it from the beginning but I didn't.
He wasn't all bad. He went to church with us often, almost all the time. Or should I say he met us there. It was this big issue with his, ( he always drove himself). He always kept a smile on in front of people, now I realize a lot of them saw through the act. I wish I could of. All I could see was myself not good enough.. Every sixty days or less he would move out leaving me to worry about all the bills.
After the bills were paid and he didn't have any more money, he would come beating on the door crying or else cry to our pastor and I'd let him back into the house. I don't remember how many times this would happen. But I had to let him come home; after all. I was the church pianist, youth pastor, and active in our church activities.. This could not be happening to me! He was going to change, he promised he would! I could not let my reputation be scarred with another divorce, no matter what! I mean I had obligations, right?
My son's father paid for my husband to adopt my son. I was so excited! I knew this would be the thing to really turn him around. He would see how much we love him now!
But my illusions only proved to make me a miserable dreamer and turned my children's lives into a nightmare. Myself and the kids would be in the car on the way home from church and my five year old would look at me with such a concerned look and say, " Mom, please ignore Dad tonight, Ok ?" You would thought that would "wake me up" so to speak, but it didn't. My wake up came one Saturday evening when my husband busted down the bathroom door to get to me. I found myself trembling in front of him with a huge butcher knife. All the color drained from his face. It was obvious he knew that i was not playing the hitting, screaming, and shoving across the room game any longer. I was going to defend myself! He left that day and was gone only three days.
I remember my brother came over to pick up the kids right after all the commotion. All I could do was scream and cry to think it had come to a point of me grabbing a knife! I was starting to scare myself. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I was doing my best to live a Christian life yet this one human being was destroying any ounce of joy or happiness I had left.. if any.